How to Become the President

It’s almost election time and many of us now dream of a world filled with incorruptible, ideal candidates, like in the Game of Thrones (I would vote for dragons.) or House of Cards (I’d vote for Kristen Bell…). Who better than you? I’d vote for me.

You might know this about me, but I’m something of political savant; and recently I’ve had probably threes of people come up to seek my political acumen. Yes maybe one non-imaginary person has come up and asked me, “Becky, I want to be president” – they start out with a statement, but the question is coming. “I want to be president, so how would you recommend I do it? I only come to you because we’ve fallen into this hole, literally and also metaphorically, and there’s no one else around. You seem to like to talk a lot – you don’t seem to stop doing it, except to shove pancakes in your mouth – and you often dispense advice, despite the fact that you are completely unqualified to advise anyone about anything because you are a garbage person. Like every time I hear a rustling in a garbage can, I wonder ‘is it a raccoon or is it Becky and which is more likely to infect me with some incurable disease?’ And 6 out of the 10 time, it is you. My doctor suspects that I’m sleeping with pirate whores from the 18th century, that’s what you’ve given me.”

Well, I didn’t need your whole life story, sir. And many a pirate whore of the modern age also carries the perfect storm of swashbuckling that I do. Also tetanus and herpes aren’t contagious. Medical fact. You know what? Despite your harsh criticisms, I’m going to go ahead and give you my pointers to becoming president. You’re welcome:

  • First, it really helps if you’re a wealthy white male.

And I know what you’re thinking “but racism and sexism don’t exist anymore – (not going to argue that wealthy part, eh?) –  Black people have their own hashtag about their lives mattering cause that’s a positive thing. I can’t do that because then it would seem like I was in the KKK or something. In fact, if racism does still exist, it’s against white people. Can you imagine if white people created a show called Whitish (you mean Friends or Seinfeld or literally any show that had a special episode?). It’s actually harder to be a white male because everyone hates us because we were born this way. Affluence is hard. Pity me. Wah.”

With that said, men make great leaders with their big hands and dignified way of speaking. Their ability to spew out vitriol with such assertiveness lets me know that they have the finesse to bulldoze their way through the intricate world of Realpolitik. Seriously there is nothing better than a man who sees what he wants and just takes it with little to no regard for other people. I like a man who can just grab the pussy by the horns, especially when the pussy is like ‘no thank you. No, seriously, I would like if you didn’t rape me.’

I only trust a wealthy, white man to make America great again, because if you google’ list of presidents’ (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Presidents_of_the_United_States) and look at who was president in that vague past when America was great (was it when slaves were considered 3/5s a person and there were slaves; or when women couldn’t vote, less than a hundred years ago or when LBJ had to sign a law to make sure black people could actually vote as guaranteed by the 15th amendment? There’s so many times America was great!), it was a wealthy white man. That’s why I trust white, wealthy men so much. Who looks out for white women more than white men – except when one of them rapes me. But then again, I was asking for it, by dressing like a slut and playing hard to get with the ‘no thanks’ which means society has repressed my desire for sex, please enter me. It’s not rape if you think that I should want it.

I just reread what I wrote and I think, god, did it sounds racist and sexist. White men are right: it is hard to be them.

  • Facts

Remember the power of words. You can say anything. The sky is green. Who can really dispute you? Maybe the sky is green. If you convince enough people, you can prove that 2+2=5. And presidential elections aren’t really about provable facts or actions, it’s all about words. That’s why debates are great: all words. Real easy to get people riled up like they’re at a wrestling match (not a high school one, but those cool ones where people hit each other with chairs and fight in cages). Plus if you say enough stuff, it’s hard to keep track of it all. Words, words and more words. Strong, assertive words that when brought together repel and yet spark. There’s nothing more fun than watching the fire your rhetoric can start and you didn’t even have to light the match. Ask Hitler, it’s not that hard to get a nation to do abominable things.

What if someone does try to throw some facts your way? They’re wrong; they’re lying; it’s a conspiracy. If you can master the art of saying, ‘wrong’ then you’ve mastered the art of facts. In a world without facts, anything is possible. I’m from the moon. I take a unicorn to work. Fact and fact. I don’t? You’re wrong. How can you prove I’m not from the moon? How can you prove Obama isn’t a Muslim terrorist? If you say something enough, anything can sound like the truth.

Plus can we even trust these ‘people’ with their ‘facts’? Where did they find these alleged facts? What is a fact? What is reality? We are in the Matrix and I am Neo. Or maybe I’m not. Why are you attacking me? Fact, you are.

  • Things Should Be Better

The world is pretty shitty, right? America is probably the worst place on Earth and is at its nadir. (Miss you, Ralph. And yeah, I know it’s Nader, but they’re homophones.) But your presidency will be the poultice to cure all of the Earth’s ills. No one else but you. And how are you going to do it? You just are. How are you going to balance the budget, by balancing it. The answer is the question. It’s like Yoda says ‘do or do not. There is no more questions about that topic let me deflect.’

But some people are into concrete plans like they are into concrete facts. You know who has plans? Evil villains, like Wile E. Coyote. Those plans never work either. Because good guys don’t need plans. Anyways does the world really need any more negativity from naysayers? Nope. I think every child should have a unicorn. It’s a beautiful idea, right? Why are you trying to ruin it by saying unicorns don’t exist? Now the children are crying. I’m the candidate who wants to make your children happy and that asshole over there wants to make them cry. See, I get that things need to be better and I make it sound good.

  • Don’t be, seem

People get lost in this trap of being genuine. They take multiple quizzes online to discover who their genuine self is (I just learned I’m only 46% Disney Princess. Buzzfeed, you know my soul). Not something you should worry about in politics. You want to project something intangible that defies explanation that strikes people in the gut. You don’t want to hear people say ‘He’s trustworthy.’ No it’s better to hear ‘He seems trustworthy.’ If someone declares it as fact, then you might have to substantiate it (or not. Remember, fuck facts). When people go into the voting booth you don’t want them thinking ‘I’m voting for him because of specific points of his policies coincide with mine and he has the track record to prove that he’s capable to function in such a powerful, high-level position.’ No, you want them walking into that booth, and pushing a button with that swoosh in the gut that belies that they have no idea why they’re voting for you, but there’s a reason. Most people know things to be right because they feel like they’re right. Or sometimes you know someone’s wrong because you feel it. Like Obama. People feel like he’s a terrorist because other people tell them that he seems like one.

Honestly the only person I want to act based on what’s in their brain as opposed to their gut is my doctor. But that’s a highly skilled job that affects my life.

  • Don’t rein in hate; make it rain hate

Use hate to your advantage. Have you seen the internet? People love to hate shit. I am currently hating 12 things right now. And it’s all irrational. Like I have this co-worker: hate her. Don’t know why. And it feels so good sometimes. Or if I’m feeling tired and complacent, I google Anne Hathaway and whoosh. Hate power. Seriously, no idea why. Not going to try to look inward and identify what lack of sense worth or overabundance of ego drives me to hate her either. I like hating her too much. Seriously! Ah, god, I feel like I could run a marathon. But I hate marathons and people who run them and then post pictures on Facebook about it. You’re so special. I also hate your kids. And there’s these balloons at my co-workers desk and I just want to pop them because I hate them too. I spy with my little eye 15 things I hate in my office and I’m not even including the people. Why is hating so easy and satisfying. I’d probably hate less if I had a bag of Oreos. They provide the same, deep satisfaction.

Oh, yes, but hate as a political tool. This all seems obvious.  Nothing unites a people more than their hatred of another group of people. The most active people on the interwebs are definitely the ones who want to voice their displeasure and hatred of all and sundry. You always want to deflect the gaze of blame outward, not inward. It’s not good for the forward momentum of a movement to question the whats and whys and should we. No let’s get excited and let’s set fire to something!

But be careful because sometimes you can get a room filled with people who all hate the same thing, but then they realize that they have slight disagreements on said hate. So make sure to keep their hate focused and united. Try to find an icon that reminds your followers of why they’re there and what they hate.

  • Don’t downplay the usefulness of walls.

Walls are great. They keep up houses; they’re fun to drill holes into so you can spy on your neighbors. You can use them in metaphors: don’t throw stones if your walls are glass…or something like that. They’re really great because they keep us away from them. And if history has taught us anything, they do it rather sufficiently. You can hardly find a single example of walls failing a city: it’s the reason that Athens beat Sparta in the Peloponnesian War, am I right? And if it wasn’t for our modern day Hercules, David Hasselhoff, there would still be two Berlins.

Our wall dreams, however, can be grander! It’s not enough to build one simply at our Mexican border, we also have Canada. I don’t want their socialism bleeding across our border. Also we don’t need their hockey teams tainting our NHL. It’s the National Hockey League; I think that Canada is aggressively stepping over its bounds there. Pretty soon Mexicans will be taking our Stanley Cups. Also how disappointing when you find out some hot, funny celebrity is Canadian? Why can’t you just be American? I think based on future citizenship laws, I might not be able to marry you. Not that I’d want to. I have future kids to think about. How would we explain their heritage to them? (Of course I don’t include our Canadian national treasure, Alex Trebek.)

Also, Muslims. Just build a wall along the Eastern and Western coasts and put some cannons on those walls in case their try to use the air ships.

And don’t limit your vision to land based walls: you’ve got to be a visionary. I mean, the weather. Mother Nature is being a bitch. Let’s build a wall in the sky. Worked for the Birds (little Aristophanes humor, more than you’ll find in his comedies. Ha! No one? That’s okay) Mother Nature wants to pile on snow, let her, the wall will stop it. Bwa haha! I’m like Storm owning the weather.

What we really need is a dome. Like that TV show, the Dome. I don’t watch it but whoever wrote it should run for president because it seems like a great idea. America needs to live in a dome. Done. I love walls!

I hate not walls. Ooo, Anne Hathaway.

  • Chris Christie

Try to get the support of Chris Christie. You’re never going to look better than when Chris Christie is standing behind you. It’s a relativity thing.

  • Some side advice for any potential female candidates that might be out there (aka the section where you can guess my gender…unicorn cloud).

1) Treat your candidacy like a job interview. You should be happy you got an interview cause you are way underqualified. Assume there is a man also up for the job. You have to prove to your interviewer that you can do the job better than your male counterpart, because otherwise why would they hire you. Women have babies and periods. Gross. Even grosser when you stop having those things. Ew old age is gross on women.

2) Don’t try to make a connection with other women based on your shred gender. You don’t see men bonding with other men over being men and then forming groups that promote each other based on their gender. So why should you assume that women should come together based on the fact that if we spend enough time together our periods sync. You know why that happens? It’s nature trying to get us to kill each other until only men exist. Also you don’t even know what #feminism is. Besides no one stands for feminism and women better than a man. I love it when a man says that women are equal or should theoretically be equal to him. And you know he’s got the credentials. Do you think a man with a mom or sisters or a daughter can’t explain the female experience better?

3) If you do try to do the whole ‘I’m a woman thing’ please look like a woman, but not like girly or too glam. You should wear makeup but I shouldn’t be able to see that you’re wearing makeup. And your clothes should suggest power, but not make you look bitchy. Think Heather Locklear in Melrose Place. She was a bitch but she looked so hot…but avoid her hair and makeup. Maybe Allison’s hair and makeup. Or in a more modern context: you should be a Miranda, Charlotte and a Carrie – not Samantha, she was an old slut. We want a fun, classy, no-nonsense look in shades that compliment your natural coloring. Oh, speaking of coloring. I’d get rid of those grays. It’s unbecoming and belies weakness. Gray hair screams old lady.

4.) Be perfect. We have all the time in the world for a first female president. Women have only been physically represented in government for 100 years; we can wait a little bit longer, right? Our first woman shouldn’t just be qualified and passionate, she should also be perfect and cool and not try too hard and not seem like a bitch and be pretty but not like she cares about the way she looks (see above) and she should like beer but can also drink wine and she should be athletic without being bulky; she should know everything but not rub that in anyone’s face; she should be forceful, but demur. What we need is a political manic pixie dream woman with a hint of badass. Think Zooey Deschanal and Amal Clooney. Be a girl and woman (just pre-menopause). It’s all about girl power well into your adult years. Man power moves cars, girl power…it’s a thing the Spice Girls started.

Finally if you do earn the presidency, don’t act like you deserved it or that you’ll be competent in any way compared to others. You might be the most qualified bitch in the room, but too much confidence in a woman is unbecoming.


But hopefully in the end all this advice will prove ineffectual because otherwise I feel like we might have reached the end of days.


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