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In Defense of Donald Trump

In Defense of Trump: It’s not sexual assault if you think that she should have wanted it, or why the dumb slut had it coming.

I have recently been a good deal concerned about the narrative happening in this country, specifically the unfair media representation of our national treasure Donald J. Trump – the J stands for Jesus because he is going to be the savior of this country and he’s god’s gift to mankind.

Most recently there’s been this ‘tape’ that’s ‘evidence’ that he ‘bragged’ about ‘sexually’ ‘assaulting’ ‘women’. Now he’s being unfairly branded an abuser of women by the corrupt media that is caught in the global conspiracy to destroy Trump, headed by corrupt Hillary. What’s next? That he’s a rapist? Does he look Mexican? No, Trump is a healthy, virile heterosexual male. And he obviously has immense respect for women. How can a man with a daughter and three wives not respect women? You know who hates women? Hillary Clinton. The only woman she cares about is herself, and that’s not saying much. I’m just saying ‘dude looks like a lady.’ Please have enough self-respect to look attractive.

Side note: Did you know that Hillary has a brother with a barn near the border filled with green cards or that she’s going to force every woman in America, if not the world, to have an abortion? Yeah and if you’re not pregnant, she’ll have her army of Mexican rapists rape you and then have you abort the baby so she can feed them to her satanic overlord and the government is paying for all of this! It’s the truth because I said it and I feel like it’s true. My gut spurns out facts faster than gas.

What people need to remember is that Trump didn’t know that the mic was hot – it looked like a 5 to him. If he had, he certainly wouldn’t have said anything discriminatory about a group of people; no one likes diverse groups of people more than Trump (he loves the Latinos and the African Americans. He wishes that he could love Muslims, but they’re terrorists who do awful things to women). On the day in question, he was just hanging out with Billy Bush in a trailer. Obviously in that environment the two felt comfortable chatting like regular heterosexual men with sex drives. And now what?  He’s a monster? What a world where men need to feel ashamed of their urges. When their sexuality becomes a point of criticism to others who should just mind their own business and get over it.

Further, as Scott Baio, my authority on most matters because he is in charge, noted: women do the same thing at brunch while sipping on their white wines (although, I do disagree with Mr. Baio on one point: women drink bellinis or mimosas at brunch, white wine is for lunch drinking.) We’re all just a bunch of Sex in the City gals, except no one’s a Samantha because was an actual slut and she was old; or a Miranda, she was kind of – how do I put this? – rough around the edges. You know you dreaded getting her in one of those ‘what Sex in the City girl are you’ quizzes, but then pretended like you’re okay with it because she was so smart.

I know every Sunday my gal pals and I are sitting and gossiping about our most recent conquest. For instance, when one of my really sexy co-workers walked by me, I slapped him on the ass in front of everyone and then I drank in his shame. He tried to talk to me about it afterwards and I was like ‘bitch, if you didn’t want it, why’d you walk by my desk wearing those sexy pants.’ Then I placed my hand on his lower back as we walked back to our desks, just to show him no hard feelings – except the ones in my pants. Am I right? Even my boss tells Steven that he’s looking good. No question to whom she’ll be giving the next big promotion; judging by the rug burns on his knees.

But are you supposed to do with a guy like Steven? Steve is really, really hot. My hand was just magnetized to his sexy ass of steel. I try to control myself, but it hurt not to touch him, my desire was that deep.

See that’s the issue I had with Michelle Obama’s recent speech in response to Trump’s comments: that women are victims. First I’m an empowered female and it’s annoying when I get lumped in with these whiners who aren’t empowered enough to protect themselves against abuses of power. Or this implication that women find it unsettling, demoralizing or frightening to be stuck in close proximity to a man who think he’s entitled to ‘grab us by the pussy.’ Also thanks liberal media for making that a phrase that my children hear constantly. They’re coming up to me asking ‘what is a pussy, mommy?’ And I’m like ‘it’s vegetables. So be like Mr. Trump and grab your vegetables so you can grow up strong just like him’ (So maybe I don’t have children, because I haven’t been lucky to find a man to seed me. It’s not something I brag about since nothing is less attractive than a single woman in her 30s with only bottom of the barrel eggs left. Well, Hillary Clinton is certainly less attractive, which is why Bill had to cheat on her. Zing.) I’ll be honest I love the thrill of being near a man who might at any time throw me to the ground and pork me against my will. All women do. Why else did 50 Shades of Grey sell so well? Although I do believe that Christian asked permission to do whatever shit he did and that the book was a fiction, a poorly written one, but still fiction (judging).

I am also very suspicious of these women suddenly coming out of their witch lairs claiming that Trump made unwanted advances on them. Why wait so long, ladies? Pretty convenient that you don’t come forward until you hear him ‘confess’ to this type of behavior. I also find it suspect that their language sounds just like what he said. Unwanted kissing? Groping? Sounds to me like you’re trying to turn his ‘words’ into actions. In the second debate, however, he pretty instantaneously and adamantly told Anderson Cooper that he did not do what he said he did, if he even said what he did maybe say or if he meant and said what the media said that he said when he never even said that. ISIS. Corrupt Hillary said those heinous things on the tape to Bill Clinton; Trump wasn’t even there. He was saving babies from wells. And then the Clintons and Wall Street joined an alliance with an alien race that is going to destroy democracy in America. True fact. Undisputable unless you work for a news outlet and make up stories to defend the chimera in human form named Hillary.

Look at the Cosby situation. Some random women decide to target this man and ruin his reputation with allegations that he drugged and raped them decades ago. To what end are they destroying this man in his twilight years?  Just dozens of women jumped on the witch hunt of Cosby; and while it appears that some of these allegations have some alleged truthiness, I still think that they’re whores who shouldn’t have let themselves get drugged in the first place. Better yet, they shouldn’t have attracted Bill Cosby. Because the men are the real victims here. Honestly you have to feel bad for Donald Trump and other entitled male individuals. They don’t want to have sex with us: they need to. Then they have to endure the daily the slings and arrows of abuse from women who pretend like they’re not secretly turned on by all the attention that they receive from rich, powerful men. Who is the voice for men like Donald? Who is their advocate? The world is silent. How are these men supposed to react when there’s an extraordinarily beautiful woman in the room? Pretend she’s not there? And there are so many beautiful women in the world, like really beautiful women.

Okay, let me put this in terms a woman can understand: say you’re walking down the street and you see really pretty shoes in a window display. Yes, ladies, pretty, pretty shoes. What do you want to do to those shoes? Put them on, of course. So you go to the store and you ask the salesperson if you can try them on. And he or she says sure and brings out these gorgeous shoes. You open the box and lift them up. Look at them, appreciate them and then try them on (but don’t forget to put on a sock first. Protection for the people who are going to try on that shoe later). Nothing feels better than when your foot is in that shoe. Suddenly you’re dropping more cash than you wanted to on those slut shoes, but you never look better or feel more powerful than when you have a hot piece of shoe on your feet. And when other women stare at your feet in jealousy, you swell with pride, because you know they can’t afford to wear such nice shoes. And the shoes just have to take the pounding you give them on your daily walks, but, as you remind them, you own them.

But women don’t have salespeople you can ask to try her on; what kind of barbarous age do you think we live in? The medieval times when women were sold like chattel? If you want to try that shoe on, sometimes you just have to go in the backroom and get it yourself.

Do you understand better now, ladies?

In both these situations I can’t help but wonder why didn’t these women come out sooner? What gain are they seeking by accusing men of sexual assault? What’s in it for them to come out later rather than sooner? This is a country that shelters and protects women. We have kept transgendered people out of bathrooms for women. We make sure women who claim that they’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted by a male get the justice and support that they deserve and need. Just watch that new documentary Audrie & Daisy.

Okay – so I just watched the documentary Audrie & Daisy and…well…I maybe thought it was about these two trashy, trailer park girls trying to destroy a promising young man’s future by getting themselves ‘raped’ by him when they actually wanted it all along. Not quite that, I guess. But different circumstances and actually it proves a point I had that the morals in this country are abysmal because of women like Hillary Clinton, who choose to work instead of raise their children. Women are ruining families. These girls had no moral guide to teach them not to get so drunk that a young boy thinks that she’s a chew toy for his taking. How do you know that she would say no, if she were alert and sober? Where are the mothers to teach their daughters not to make themselves available to somewhat unwanted sexual encounters? You think they would have relied on girl power a bit more as well. Right? Girl power? We’re all sisters sticking together? They must have been very unlikeable girls for everyone to turn on them so viciously. I again have to wonder who the victim is in all of this.

I know that Trump is. He is a victim of a system rigged against rich white man; of prejudice against his ilk. He has suffered and struggled day-to-day in his private airplane. He endures slander, insults, hateful language, false accusations, people looking at him askance when he walks down the streets. People hold him accountable, except for the IRS with which he has no accounts. He’s been violently harassed by the media and their harsh, judgmental words, speaking about him as though he weren’t a human with emotions. He’s a hero,folks, and a victim.

My final point of defense for Donald: have you seen some of these accusers? Pardon my French but woof. Next thing you know Rosie O’Donnell is going to claim that Trump sexually assaulted her. I think all of America can agree, ‘barf, laugh, barf, barf some more, laugh some more, kiss a hot lady to wash the nasty taste out of your mouth.’ Like he would ever tongue a 6 when he can walk into a room filled with naked Miss Americas. Donald Trump’s taste in pussy is far too refined.

All I know is that every respectable person who fought for women’s rights is spinning in their grave at the thought of Clinton defeating Trump; I also know that it’s Hillary’s fault that they are dead. Trump would have kept them alive, but terrible, bad decision-making, awful on corrupt Hillary’s part.

The Emails.

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