This week is Thanksgiving. I feel like the tether that has linked me to the 8th might finally snap as I strain against it to reach the honey pot known as stuffing from a box. Ah that sweet, tantalizing aroma. There might not be a more satisfying feeling than sitting on the floor eating stuffing out of a pot (utensils optional, and when the roommate is out of town, so are clothes – my parents are really proud of me).
Whether you plan to celebrate this holiday with friends, family or by yourself with your dog, I have just the right recipes to amaze the palate and serve as a penetrable base for alcohol.
I should say that the most important part of cooking for me is the lack of love that I put into it. I save my love for ordering food and pouring wine. Mothers don’t look at their
babies with more love than I do when I gaze at my Foodler app. And a glass of wine poured by my hand tastes like the marriage proposal that my grandmother always said I’d never get if I didn’t start acting like a lady. My grandma did say that, but she’s dead so I don’t hold it against her – I mean, legit dead, not like I’m about to miss a deadline dead (pun intended. Pun always intended). Hm, talking about dead relatives doesn’t seem very festive, so wine! I don’t drink to avoid my emotions – I drink to stop having them.
Kidding…I’m empty inside, which means recipe time!
I don’t make a turkey on Thanksgiving. Seriously who even really likes the turkey on Thanksgiving? No one. First you either have to buy it ten years in advance and store it in your magic other freezer because that 20 pounder takes up all the room (how much do turkeys weigh? 20 pounds too much? It feels like that should be the size of a toddler. How much do toddlers weigh? I don’t think a toddler would fit in a freezer) Or else you have to fight for one at the grocery store days before like it were a tickle me Elmo and the year was 1996. Unless you want to take that sad Charlie Brown looking one in the corner. At that point I’d say just buy the rotisserie chicken (something else that tastes amazing while sitting on the floor and without utensils. I’d say clothes for this one. I feel like eating rotisserie chicken naked might make me depressed, like when the grease starts to drip down my newly rotund belly).
If you live in Brookline, MA, you could always just find a bow and arrow and kill one for yourself. Turkeys are taking over Boston. #fact
So say you get the turkey; once you finally have this stupid bird (and they are stupid and aggressive. God, I hate a turkey), it takes forever to cook and it’s gross because you have to take out its intestines and replace them with stuffing. You know what I do for turkey on ole Thanksgiving Day? Slices from the deli. Done and done. If you have one of those snobby friend, you know the kind who wash their hands after they take public transportation, try to find a kid to make one of those hand turkeys (I can make my own, because I have freakishly tiny hands). It’ll be adorable, a slab of deli meat in the shape of a child’s hand turkey. And everyone will say it’s darling because no one throws shade at a baby (to its face. Yeah, Timmy, you’re not as cute as you think you are. One day I will have my revenge).
All else fails, say you’re a vegetarian.
Stuff n’ Cheese
This recipe takes two classics and mashes them up like some Pitch Perfect acapella song and it only requires stuffing (like Stove Top) and Velvetta Shells and Cheese (or a generic brand, but it’s Thanksgiving so I like to go fancy). Now follow the directions on the boxes to make both of these things separately. It’s basically some boiled water and mixing.
Are they cooked? Great. Now take the stuffing and throw it in the mac and cheese (literally throw it). Mix it together and as you do add some ketchup (it’s like avocado but good) and extra cheese, but the shredded type in a bag (it’s important not to add a cheese that people who like cheese would gush over.) I like to go with the bright yellow cheddar, but any will do, like taco cheese or pizza cheese. I just think that the yellow makes the dish pop. Let it cool and then chow down. Fast and easy (insert joke about me being a whore. So sexist).
If you feel uncomfortable with the fact that you’ve basically just made a pot of carbs (and you don’t believe ketchup can serve as both a fruit and veggie), I’d suggest adding broccoli. Broccoli = healthy. I put it in a lot of the shitty food I eat to make myself feel better.
If you feel like you could do with more carbs, try putting what you made on top of a pizza. You’d be surprised how many things taste better when you put it on an edible cheese plate. Wait for, Lo Mein Pizza. You just put lo mein on a pizza. You can also put it in a biscuit (I’ll cover biscuits below).
Also I don’t smoke pot, which brings me to…
For this recipe you’ll need a sweet potato, an oven and a lack of patience.
First you stab the potato with a fork a couple times to help it breathe (and to help get out some aggression); then put it on a pan. Once the stabbed potato is in the pan, stick that in the oven. You can preheat the oven to whatever temp feels best to you. I like 425. It feels like the number you’re always told to cook things at (350 is my go-to for baking). You let that cook for as long as your patience allows. And this is important, try not to have too much patience. I can usually make it a good 30 minutes, or until the show I’m watching ends (I’d watch a longer show, but then my brain would know I was trying to distract it and I’d ruin the potato by throwing it out in anger at myself. My brain is way too clever for me).
Take out your potato and cut it in half. It should be soft on the outside, but still pretty hard on the inside. It’s that difference in texture that really brings out the flavor. As always add some of my fave condiment, ketchup, but also some hot sauce (I like Frank’s). Bon appetit.
You know what, this recipe already seems like too much work. Instead buy some tater tots, put them in the microwave for like 3 minutes or until warm enough to enjoy and then eat it. Gosh, so much more satisfying. Tater tots are best eaten on a coach in PJs (preferably one of those matching sets so popular on TV) with frozen yogurt nearby. I am so hungry right now.
Also have biscuits on hand for Thanksgiving. The kind that come in a tube. Whenever I open one of those tubes, I feel like a wizard or an incompetent executioner (sometimes you need to hack at those things). I have not met any food that doesn’t taste amazing ensconced in the buttery warmth of a biscuit fresh out of the oven. A great dessert? Stick a freshly baked cookie into the freshly baked biscuit. Magic. Spread a layer of frosting for some added richness. Or keep it savory. Try lo mein. Dip it in ketchup. As noted above, make a stuff n’ cheese sandwich. Biscuits are the utility bread. Also cooks in like 8 minutes…or longer. Whatever the Pillsbuy Dough Boy says. He is so sexy. Why can’t I find a man who gives me bread and giggles like an angel when you tickle him? Why do advertisements establish unattainable expectations for life?
True story: M&Ms don’t talk, even if you threaten them with a knife.
Pancakes, they’re not just for breakfast anymore. By the time dessert comes, you should be filled sufficiently with wine and ready to make some bad decisions or great ones. You’re probably in a haze that will let you say all those amazing things that you will regret once someone tells you what you said. Drinking’s fun because it makes daily life a challenge. I love trying to take off tights when I’m drunk.
*Side note: can we please stop suspending athletes for marijuana. When I start an article and it’s like ‘so and so has been suspended for using a banned substance’ and then it follows up with ‘pot’. I’m like that dude deserves a medal for being awesome despite being high. It’s like she stepped up the challenge by adding extra hurdles. Do you know how hard it is to do things when you start to become fascinated by light or start to philosophize about the point of things, like lamps? Amazing feats of human ingenuity.*
So yes, pumpkin pancakes I find to be the perfect end to a long day of eating and you can totally make them buzzed. I feel like I could beat Bobby Flay in a contest of drunk pancakes.
Now for the pumpkin pancakes you’re going to need some pancake mix (which will need water, if you buy the good box not the crappy kind that needs milk or an egg. Nothing’s purer than water), maple syrup and 10-15 pumpkins, depending on how many you want. Now I know that pumpkins are at their peak in October, but they’re still seasonal around this time and you should be able to find some if you look.
Start by mixing the pancake powder with the water. Then put it on a heated pan. I’m going to share a secret with you, wait for the pan to be warm before you start. It makes the first pancake less burnt (seems counter-intuitive). You should also grease it with something. I like Pam (the spray can; greasing it with a real Pam would be dirty). When the pancake starts to bubble flip it with hopefully a spatula, those work best. Also important tip, don’t get distracted by the television when you are making pancakes. Shit can get out of control really quickly.
Once they’re all solid and fluffy, put the pancakes on a plate. Then flavor them with maple syrup and the pumpkins. I like to put three to four pumpkins on a pancake, but I also have teeth that are nearly completely rotten (my dentist tries to tell me not to eat sugar and then I tell him that he can shove that advice up his ass. I’m on dentist number…well, I’ve had less sexual partners than dentist, even if you include dentists that have never literally drilled my mouth).
Voila a new holiday classic that will have them begging for more. And if they do, remind them that your apartment is not a welfare state and they can make their own damn pancakes.