Winning Secret Santa

Recently I won office Secret Santa (because, as we all know, gift-giving is a competition, if done correctly) by being awesome and I was like, ‘I bet everyone else wishes that they were awesome too.’ And as I looked around the room at all the failure, I realized sometimes wishes don’t come true. (Thankfully I have a boss boss who got me wine, kitkats and a coloring book. It’s like she became me for a second.)

Then I was like, ‘duh, you have a blog and those are places where people dispense advice that others don’t necessarily need but do help them kill time at work. Why don’t you share your amazing gift (both the gift I gave, and my natural gift of helpfulness – I am very helpful and nice and I don’t try to hide that behind false modesty because I’m also very honest) with the world. So without further ado, here’s the best Secret Santa gift ever (for just 20 bucks – if you have a 10% off code at Sephora or you buy a mask kit and keep some for yourself). I call it a girl’s night in kit and the guide to its components (feel free to alter some of what I wrote below to your specific person, but it will probably be – what’s the word for less good? Oh, yes – worse than the one I offer.

Guide to your girl’s night in:

Rose Eye Mask: I didn’t get you an anti-aging eye mask because you’re too young…but are you? Really? 25? It’s cute now, but you’re not getting younger. But you know what, it doesn’t matter. Too much emphasis has been placed on women and expectations of beauty, especially as they get older – as you are (I would say that I am too, but I’m a miracle of science and I might actually be aging backwards like Benjamin Button. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m like ‘woo, God did spend a little more time on me, just like Nsync insisted’ #TooMuchConfidence?). Women should be valued based on their character not their looks; but Sephora didn’t have an eye mask to help you with that, so here’s one that can offer you some moisture and brightening, like a rainstorm on a sunny day. But also think about investing some money in anti-aging. You do tend to laugh a lot. Those wrinkles are as forever as the winning smile (until your teeth fall out).

Lavender Foot Mask: Is there any pain worse than those last few minutes in your uncomfortable shoes when you’re standing on the T because god forbid a man be a gentleman in this age and offer you his seat – even if you pretend you’re pregnant (and after a heavy meal and a can of soda, I don’t have to pretend too hard). They don’t even look up when an old woman with like all her limbs broken crawls onto the train looking for a seat: in fact, they pretend to be asleep (we know you’re not asleep. And if you really are, I’m stealing your wallet and your stupid fitbit). Men are the worst. No wait, feet pain is the worst. And this mask not only soothes your feet and softens them, but it also smells great. And let me tell you, your feet need it – the pampering not the improved odor (unless they need both. I mean, I don’t share an office space with you so I’ve never complained). Warning, the cold of the gel inside the sock is a bit of a shock.

Amazon Movie Voucher: This might just look like a regular gift card, but it’s actually a movie voucher because I said so. So you enjoy a movie of your choice in SD because in order to keep this within the 20 dollar limit, I had to keep this at 4.99. Sorry ‘bout it. HD is overrated. It just makes attractive movie stars look borderline ugly and if people paid, in part, because of their prettiness look ugly, then how do I look? (answer: gorgeous). And then that makes me wonder: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Answer: Of course. Like humans are the only things that give value to existence. I heard the big bang made a big bang and wasn’t no one around to hear that. I hate philosophy. What a bunch of garbage. You know what’s not a bunch of garbage and still very deep: Magic Mike 2. Oh and by deep, I mean I wish Magic Mike was deep inside me.

Espiral Vinho Verde: A little bird told me you like sweet white wines, like a Moscato. You know what? You’re too old for a Moscato, so here’s a bottle of Vihno Verde to help you on you journey to red wines. And you know why red wines are great? You can pick one up at the store and open it on your walk home. No need to chill. Also it makes the bleakness of img_0363your life taste better and it helps combat the cold of winter. Finally, red wine looks cool; it’s like smoking a cigarette in a glass. Very Parisian. Someone sees you with a glass of red, and they’re like ‘this girl means business and when she cries, it’s grotesquely beautiful, like a dog with three legs and a disdainful scowl skipping through a meadow in hopes of finding the meaning of life.’ But let’s start with the Vinho Verde. This is a great bottle. One of my faves as far as whites go. And if you don’t like it, then you’re stupid. But if you do like it, you can find it at Trader Joe’s. Merry Xmas from Trader Joe’s.

Buttercream Truffles: Because I was really depressed about my life when I went shopping at Trader Joe’s for the wine and then I saw the candy, I was like ‘I’m going to buy these and make myself feel better’ but then I got home and my dog said I was ‘looking healthy’ and we all know what that means so I was like ‘fine, I won’t eat the candy, I’ll give it to you because her dog is a gentleman and doesn’t call her ‘healthy’ but we all know what that’s code for.’ (Sorry talking about that moment made me have emotions and emotions don’t like punctuation unless it’s a period). Also candy is great with wine right? And a movie. Candy, wine and a movie! Cheaper than the Superlux but just as fun because you’re by yourself. I’m so alone…I hope my secret Santa got me a hug so I can reject it and make myself feel better by witnessing their disappointment and hurt at that rejection. I like making other people sad. Pity me, I’m a monster.

Sour Patch Kids: A staple movie food and as far as the commercial go, these little guys are psychotic! You’ve seen a Sour Patch Kids’ commercial, right? First they’re sour, then they’re sweet. Eat them before they get to you! Or else set them on your enemies. They’ll thank you.

Bonus Materials:

Puppy cakepop (my person has a dog): What girl can enjoy her night in, when her dog pines for love and affection? Well, I can. Please see above. You will certainly feel better about indulging yourself knowing that your pup is happy with his own little piece of heaven. Yes, the doggy cake pop. It looks good enough to eat, but don’t because it tastes like garbage to humans. Not that I’ve tried it…not that I’ve tried it. My dog once ate my cupcake. It was a sad day for me, but he’s right, I shouldn’t have left it on the table unattended for a second. Why shouldn’t he had thought it was his? Brutus!

Catnip: I don’t own a cat now, but I did. Her name was Pandora and sometimes she liked to sneak out of the house when I let the dogs out (and they dawdled on their way out the door). Most of the time she came back, then one time she didn’t. She was probably hit by a car. Her curiosity got the best of her. Anyway. You don’t buy a cat a present to keep it happy and occupied like you would a dog. Dogs get sad and lonely; cats don’t give a shit. But cats don’t like when you have something and it doesn’t. So in order to make your life a little less difficult, I bought your cat this catnip. May she enjoy it and do crazy shit afterwards. My cat once tried to pee on my face. Hm what elusive and mocking creatures cats are, just like success in my life.

A Box: I have witnessed and heard stories that babies like boxes more than anything else in the world. If you put a baby in a box, it will believe that the box is its mother. Here is a box filled with paper that I did not just take out of a new pair of shoes I got. I bought special paper for your bundle of joy. Babies love that shit because they have tiny underdeveloped brains. If you don’t want to give your baby the box, pacifiers work well too. Or phones. From what I’ve seen walking down the street, babies will stare at phones just like adults. I don’t have a baby, but I feel like I’d make a great mother, once I got over resenting the fact that my child destroyed my illusionary freedom – let’s get real, freedom is only an illusion (said the middle class white girl).


There you go. You’re welcome and enjoy being a great success this holiday season in your office.


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