Bill Belichick: The Sexiest Patriot

Disclaimer: I would never sleep with a married man; in fact, I would never do anything with a man attached to another person and this isn’t like one of those times when a person insists that they’re not racist, but they also actually are. So if I mention that I would like to sleep with someone who is married or mention hypotheticals? That is all they are: imaginary. Like unicorns. I would probably sleep with a unicorn, but only if it wasn’t married.

Second Disclaimer: If we’re going to judge the actual sexiest patriot, it would prob be either Sam Adams or John Q. Adams. JQA’s daddy, the original John Adams? Brilliant, love him, but cannot forgive him for the Alien and Sedition Acts. It’s like, dude, super unconstitutional. Seriously, what was he thinking? Also, of course, the sexist patriot is JQA. He died in the Capital Building doing his job! Read about him. A gem. A goddamn gem.

But on to the sexiest NE Patriot football style:

When one considers with whom they would like to sleep on the NE Patriots, certain names come to mind. Tom Brady for the classic Ugg bedding in front of a roaring fireplace on a Sherpa blanket (he did not take Kelly Taylor’s virginity); Gronk for a roll in the hay that resembles an actual roll in hay with a happy-go-lucky Golden Retriever after he bounds into you with all his puppy energy; Gos for the hit or miss fuck (#PrayForGos every time); Edelman when you’re looking for a slotty, little firecracker; Blount because he got thighs like what what what (but for real I could climb his thighs like they were a tree and I’m not even sure that makes sense); Bennett, who might be the mythical child of a unicorn and bacon; Malcolm Butler who performs the robbery right when the other guy’s about to score (and no one is happier than Brady). And all the other sexy talent on that team. Nothing is hotter than an incredible work ethic and talent — I’m bereft of both.

But truly the sexist of the Patriots? Bill Belichick. The gruff man with scowl standing on the sidelines throwing tablets like he has enough money to throw a tablet and destroy it and it wouldn’t make him cry because he saved up for his tablet and if he broke it that would make him sad because he doesn’t have the money to replace it. Although I once violently punched a ginger bread house because it was stupid, so I get the impulse. Anyway, Billy B has this no nonsense sexiness that’s super attractive. I mean, he has a team of really strong men who worship him in a way that makes Zeus jealous. Power like that is hot. He basically started a cult, which has always been my dream. And if I didn’t start the cult, I def wanted to be one of the cult leader’s wives.

Also, imagine sex with that man. He comes in with a game plan (pun intended): it will be efficient and effective sex. I feel like it’d be two minutes and he makes it down the field to score with the extra point. He’s mapped out the Xs and Os and knows just how to sneak by the defense to get points for everyone’s fantasy team. Most men come into the bedroom like the Cleveland Browns, leaving their fans sad and disappointing; Bill Belichick? He’s a Super Bowl champ. Could you imagine having such consistently good sex? Me neither.

What really tickles me pink (pun? Well, it can certainly be made a double entendre), is the idea of Bill, having managed to find his discarded, cut-off sweatshirt and shorts, addressing the media after his win; while I lounge in bed, damp with the champagne we sprayed in celebration of clinching our division. I’ve always wanted to sleep with someone who had a press conference afterwards.

Here’s how I imagine going down:

Reporter: Hey coach, over here. Hi, yes, so that was a good game, a solid win.

Coach: Yeah. Saw some things that I liked there. We’ve been preparing all week, running drills and, yeah, I think that you can see that preparation in the plays we made. We went out there, we each did our jobs and its nice to have a landslide win like that. But every game is important, and now we need to start looking towards next week. Victory Monday, give the guys a rest, but then back at it.

Reporter: Coach, you had a fumble there early in the game but then you seemed to recover: can you talk about that?

Coach: Not a good play. You never want to see mistakes like that, but fought for the recovery and I’ll need to watch the tapes to see what went wrong.

Reporter: Next game is scheduled for next Thursday. That’s a tough schedule. Is your preparation going to change?

Coach: No. We approach every week the same. It’s going to be tough, but Tuesday we’ll come back and work on what we got to work on. With a short week we need to stay focused on the goal at hand. It’s about trying to stay hungry for every game. Even after so many years, I’m still hungry every time I get on the field. I want that win We might have won this week, but that’s the past and it won’t help us win next week.

Reporter: Coach, the special teams looked really strong today. Um, are you happy about that?

Coach: Is that a serious question you just asked? Am I happy that special teams played well? Of course. Did you go to school for journalism? How much did your parents pay for you to ask such dumb questions? Jesus. Yeah, you can win a game with special teams so I was pleased to have a couple really nice punts and punt returns. The punt returns especially gave us some great field position. Really helped with some nice, long drives.

Okay, thanks guys.

Then Bill would leave the podium and cuddle with me for the appropriate amount of time to make me feel warm and safe but not overstay his welcome. I have things to do (no, I don’t, but like a patriot I’m always hungry).

Yeah, so sexiest patriot? Historically John Quincy. Nothing gets me going more than reading about his time in the House after he was president. How sexy is that? He returned to Congress after serving as President. No other president has done that but Johnson and he was a dick and not even a real president. Ugh, the only person worse than Andrew Johnson is Andrew Jackson — and well, the Hitlers of the world.

Sexiest football Patriot? Billy B for making New England a winner and providing the best sex fantasy team and post-game conference. He might not be the GOAT, but he’s the stallion of my dreams. Thanks Belichick.


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