Science Is Scary

I’m not sure how much I support science and no this isn’t because I’m holding some long-standing grudge against my freshman Earth Science teacher for being such a shitty teacher that I only got an 89 on my Regents Exam. An 89. That’s a B+. Do you know how much you have to get wrong to get a B+? Side note: I really wish that I could be a kid in today’s school system. Any time a teacher marked me down, I’d be like ‘sorry I was using alternative facts so I’m not wrong.’ (Although I did once argue with a teacher that the grammar in my paper was so shoddy because as a woman I didn’t feel comfortable in the confines of a syntax created by men. Who is he to tell when and where I can use a period. I was in college and I was close with this professor and it was a joke…or was it…and not that close).

. ß feminine period.

Anyway my beef with science is that it’s scary. The more you know the more terrified you will become. As the saying goes: ignorance is bliss. It’s better to make everything up according to your own needs and desires. It’s safer that way.

For instance, let’s return to Earth Science. The Earth is so scary when science reigns. I like to believe that god causes every natural disaster because then I understand that it’s a punishment for something that one of my enemies did. Or else it’s a Job situation. Although if I had been in his shoes, I would have forsaken god way sooner. I’m not one of those people who thrive in adversity. Like this one time when the power went out in our apartment, I condemned not only Eversource, the street on which the electric fire started (Glenville!), the city of Boston (you forsake Allston again!), the damn college kids who probably caused it (unsubstantiated, but my gut tells me this one’s true), electricity in general (why did you make me so dependent! The pilgrims were so lucky.), winter (thanks for being cold and filled with darkness — sarcasm), but yeah, I also condemned god because why did he forsake me on a Tuesday evening. I just wanted to get home, make an omelet and chill out with a Series Of Unfortunate Events (ironic, I know, because my life became a series of unfortunate events). But I couldn’t because we had no power. Thankfully the power came back on by 10 so I could sneak in an episode; also luckily our local liquor store was open, so I was drunk. Now that I think back on it, the experience wasn’t so terrible. Plus I think that I built some character and learned a lot about toughing it out. Cause sometimes I forget that other people have it worse than I do and for four hours I understood the less fortunates’ plight. I actually probably had it worse because I knew how good things could be. Rich people probably have it the worst of us all: you get used to a lifestyle. The struggle is real.

But let’s return to the Earth. It quakes and there are storms and typhoons and tornados and volcanos and none of this shit is manmade! This is stuff the Earth is doing to us and herself. Save the Earth, eco-scientist? How about you tell the Earth that too? Huh? Hypocrites. The whole center is molten lava (or magma. One is for the inside, the other for the out. I don’t have time for political correctness). If that isn’t a WMD, what is? The Earth is ready to destroy us at any second, so we better destroy her first.

Shit’s about to hot in here, bitch. Enjoy your ice caps melting, bitch. Oh, look, all your baby polar bears are dead! Suck it. I laugh at the dead polar bears. (But are the penguins doing okay, because I like penguins). I say let’s cut down her trees, frack the shit out of her (trust me, she wants it. Why else is she hiding the natural gases so deep inside herself). What more could she do to us than she already has. Let’s do this for Pompey and places where there are deserts! Also fuck lions. A lion killed my mother. And humidity is the worst, especially when I spend time straightening my hair. None of us want to destroy the Earth, but we have to because the Earth is scary and unpredictable; she has these plates that are spinning all the time and shifting our continents even though we don’t want to disturb our borders. Also the oceans are in collusion with the moon! And eventually California is going to fall into the Pacific Ocean (I guess a win for conservatives everywhere). I was really bad at Earth Science so I don’t know many more specifics about the Earth, but what I do know is that the Earth doesn’t give a shit about me. Thankfully god does, so I’m okay.


Another science subject? How about Biology? Let’s learn about diseases that fucking mosquitos carry. Mosquitos! They’re tiny and they suck your blood. What kind of creature does that? (I know vampires but they’re not alive so they don’t count.). How have we not ridded the world of these beasts? Then there are just sickness flying through the air with the greatest of ease and they don’t need bugs! They just need air and we need air (also I think that I should be allowed to punch people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough. Germ warfare). Plus the vaccines that are supposed to protect you from all these diseases are actually causing autism. And although it was been scientifically debunked, I don’t trust these supposed scientist who work in their secret laboratories like wizards or evil, mad scientist (Dr. Jekyll much?). What do they know about vaccines? Plus they’re in the pockets of liberals. And we all know the liberals love to force people to get autism. Also vaccines are one of those things that a person just knows about based on snippets of information that they hear from people with no credentials (Jenny McCartney –spelling? Don’t care to look it up – suggested that I buy Candies and I didn’t regret the purchase. Plus celebrity opinions matter, so long as I don’t disagree with them). There is a lot of stuff on the internet that proves definitively that vaccines are bad for you. And if I had to choose between small pox or autism for my child, I would choose never to have a child because I learned about where babies come from. The call is coming from inside the house. And evolution didn’t really provide a great exit strategy for baby (much like our war in the Middle East). It’s basically like that scene in Tommy Boy. You know ‘fat guy in a little coat,’ but the vagina edition.

Biology also taught me that my whole body is made up of cells. Seriously? Cells? I don’t even see these cells and they are me!  I don’t even know my own body! I’m just all the mysterious microscopic little bits gathered together to form a walking hunk of flesh. And inside there’s all these foreign organ chugging along by themselves. These are the most important bits of myself and I don’t know what’s up with them. I couldn’t identify my heart if you put it in front of me (and I learned that I do have a heart and that it is not black, biologically speaking…or so the scientist tell me). Also my skin is an organ, and that’s disgusting (sorry Sephora, why didn’t you tell me my skin was science?). And here’s the kicker, I have to trust my body is just going to work! My heart and lungs and blinking, all involuntary. I have no say or control, but I do have to provide to make this happen. And providing is really hard 1) because I’m poor; 2) because nutrition is complicated. Apparently a body can’t run off hatred and M&Ms! And my body won’t tell me what it needs like my dog who tap taps his bowl when I forget to feed him or give him water. No, my body’s way of communicating with me is by getting sick or dying. Why do you always crave French fries when what you need is an apple.

Also sometimes bodies just stop working. Or sometimes they just get cancer because of all those stupid, fucking cells that I can’t even see.  I am my body but I am not my body. I use to think and therefore be, but now I poop and wonder ‘what am I? And when did I eat corn?’


Finally outer space. One the moon landing never happened. And if it did? What a waste of money. What did learn? That there was moon? No kidding. I learned that by looking in the sky, which I really try not to do too often just because it reminds me about space and the universe. The universe scares the shit out of me and every day we learn something new (and by we, I mean scientist funded by federal dollars who don’t even do research that helps America, unless they can stop an alien invasion. Aliens are real), I get ever more scared. Why is there so much outer space? And did you know that it’s expanding and then one day it won’t and then all of this will just dissipate into nothing (I learned that from an episode of Cheers, not from scientists); although by then the Earth will have already been eaten by the sun (yeah, the sun is going to eat the Earth, eco-scientists; have you talked the sun about saving the Earth? Didn’t think so).

I remember asking my dad about the end of the Earth when I was little. And he sat me down and explained to me that it wouldn’t happen for many, many years and I’d already be dead. I learned a lot that day and I lived in terror since. I’m going to die, then the Earth will die and then the universe. That gives me hope for the future. This too shall pass.

In general, yeah, astronomy freaks me out. Don’t like the idea that the Earth is just chilling somehow in the vast pool of nothing circling a dangerous sun that wants to destroy us and asteroids are all around. What is gravity?!  It makes me feel like I have no control what happens to me!

But my biggest fear (outer space based. Actual biggest fear: a giant foam letter U chasing me and squeezing the life out of me like a boa constrictor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws_vnXup7so I dare you to watch that and not shit your pants and reconsider the alphabet)  is that of black holes, ever since I saw the movie Event Horizon with my dad (him again. He also showed us – my brothers and I – Smokey and the Bandit, Slap Shot and Strange Brew. I said a lot of weird things when I was young, but adjusted okay) and then learned about the Hadron Super Collider, which is basically scientists trying to create black holes. Scientists are trying to kill us for their pursuit of ‘knowledge.’ Why do you need to slam particles together? What are you trying to prove? Are you god? Well? Leave the atoms alone! They are more powerful than you!

Speaking of atoms, chemistry also freaks me out; not because of meth labs, but because of just how precarious existence is. Everything is made up of atoms and they’re so small and so miraculously built and functioning. It reminds me how strange life and the universe is and then other questions pop up in my head and I wish I had a meth lab. Or some Mac and Cheese.

And for this reason I think that we should just rid the world of science. It’s not good. It’s always throwing awful, scary facts at us all the time. Like science is so hard to learn, like I don’t know science. I have Wikipedia. I know. I’m smart too, Science. I don’t need you telling me what’s what. And I don’t want you to because I would rather construct my own reality where I’m totally safe and secure and nothing bad is going to happen to me against my will and I choose who I would like to blame if something bad does happen. Science tried to find a real culprit and sometimes it’s just nature, which terrifies me. Science and knowledge make the world a little too chaotic for me. The less you know the simpler things get. And that’s why I choose ignorance (except I’m not moving to California because it is going to fall of the continent and that’s why everyone in California is an idiot). And in my aggressive ignorance I can pretend that everything is okay and that everyone else is a dumb piece of shit.


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