I’d like to be a Dragon!

If I could be any mythical creature, I would want to be a dragon. I don’t even need to create my own seven-course meal on Buzzfeed to learn this information. Buzzfeed can’t even guess my age and height based on my Netflix TV choices, so I’ve lost a lot of faith in their quizzes ability to offer me truths.

If Buzzfeed had its way, it’d probably make me a unicorn, just like it made Jessie Spano in the SBtB quiz. Like I really want to be a faux-feminist hypocrite whose major drug addiction is to caffeine pills.

Like I really want to be a unicorn: a unicorn is just a fancy horse with a horn and I already think regular horses are a little too fancy for my taste. I can hear them prancing in the fields, ‘look at me, look at me. I’m a horse. Tra la la.’ Give me a donkey any day. I’d only want to be a unicorn if it had magic powers and was sardonic. What’s the point of having magical powers if you’re not going to use them for your own amusement? That’s why Harry Potter was so much lamer than Draco. I would probably be in Slytherin (also didn’t need a Buzzfeed quiz for that. I’m pretty self-aware). Honestly the kids in Gryffindor were assholes. I’m so glad that they’re able to distinguish confidently between right and wrong, these arbiters of justice.

I wouldn’t go to Hogwarts; I’d go to that school with the angry looking, fur-clad men. Don’t care enough to look up what they’re called.

My feelings about magic is why I don’t fly on planes. Since I don’t understand the mechanics or physics of how planes work, I tend to believe that they must be fueled by magic.…and Voldemort man. You never know.

I don’t like Gryffindor, but I also recognize that Voldemort’s like super evil.

Also did you know that the safest way to fly is on a unicorn? Cause if you fall they have a magic rainbow cloud right beneath you ready to catch you in your descent. I’m indifferent to unicorns, but that’s cool. Unlike dragons, I’m pretty sure that unicorns are real because again, horses.

And no lizards are not the same as dragons! Fuck you, misnamed Kimono Dragon. I spit in your general direction. Gila Monsters, on the other hand, are actually monsters. I didn’t study zoology, but obviously I didn’t need to. You can intuit this shit through observation in a zoo.

Zebras: fashionable horses (I cheer when crocodiles eat you); giraffes: horses whose necks are made of taffy; hippopotamus, a river horse. Horses are taking over the world! They also live in the sea: octopodes, eight-legged jelly horses.

Dragons are great because they set things on fire and they don’t even need a match. They see something that they don’t like, they just open their mouths and the offensive thing is on fire. That’s convenient. I hate you, cars! Fire! I’m not saying that I’m some rule-breaking arsonists. I haven’t set things on fire since that time when I was eleven*, but dragons, of course, don’t follow the law. They make their own law. I’m not a dragon; I’m a human and not only do I have to follow the law, but I’m capable of empathy. I’ve burned my hand on my curling iron. I imagine it’s worse when it’s your whole body.

Unless it’s someone with other political beliefs and then I damn you to the eternal flames of Hell. I love politics! You get to say fun things in loud voices.


Dragons don’t have empathy because they’re impenetrable to pain. Dragons have no weakness. Despite what literature and the movies teach us, no stupid man on a hero quest is going to defeat a dragon. He comes to kill me, I’ll be like, “nope, you’re on fire.” Wearing fire-resistant armor, doesn’t matter, I have spikes on my tail. You’ve been impaled. Have impaling resistant armor? So do I. It’s called my scaly skin. Now I’m going to go burn down your village because you annoy me. Enjoy the tears of your family. Also I stepped on you. You cannot destroy me.

The only think that might defeat me is love…no. Please. Love can’t overpower me now and I’m just a human. You send me a heart emoji, I feel nothing.

When I was 10 I went to my mother and told her, ‘I love you and this time I mean it.’ My mother asked if I didn’t mean it before. I told her that I didn’t.

A dragon can’t even tell her mom that she loves her because a dragon killed her mother!

If I couldn’t be a dragon, I’d definitely want to be a velociraptor. And before you say anything, everyone knows dinosaurs never existed. If they did, then how did horses come into existence?

I think that we need to destroy all the horses.

*I technically set my room on fire twice. Only once did I require matches. First time, stuck a hairpin in an AC adapter because I was trying to learn about electricity. Franklin was lauded as a genius for flying a kite during a thunderstorm and you roll your eyes at me? I was ahead of my time. Also I told my parents that the wire just magically caught on fire and I wasn’t even near it. My mother believed me and almost sued the company; my father, who is an electrical engineer, had his doubts about my story because he understand things like electrical currents and talked my mother out of said lawsuit.

Second time, I watched a movie where homeless people were gathered around a trashcan with a fire in it. I think it might have actually been a rerun of 21 Jump Street. I thought that I would try it. My trashcan was plastic and I probably put way too much paper in there. Thankfully, I was smart about my garbage fire and set it in the bathtub. I was able to put it out before things got out of hand.

I feel comfortable sharing this because I am now an adult and my parents cannot punish me.

**Also I drew that picture of a dragon. I didn’t even Google a picture. I just used my imagination. So if you have a friend looking for an illustrator, please pass along my name.

***PPS. I don’t watch Game of Thrones, so I don’t what misconceptions people have been fed about dragons.


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